By Souyenne-Dathorne
SURVIVORS of sexual violence very often never share their stories because they are ashamed, because they are afraid, because they believe they have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to. But the truth is, they want to tell someone, they want to confide in someone about how they are feeling, about what was done to them and how they are dealing with it all.
They want someone to listen and validate their feelings. They want someone to listen to them and support them.
They want someone to acknowledge that something was done to them and that it was not their fault. They want someone to understand their anger and hatred at the person/persons who committed the act.
They want someone to tell them that what’s happening in their dreams, in their heads and to their bodies is a side-effect of the sexual violence they experienced, that they are not crazy nor are they over reacting or blowing things out of proportion.
They don’t want to be blamed, chastised, or coerced.
They want you to be there for them and to try to understand what they are going through. The truth is they want you to pick a side, their side. Because in reality, there is no victim of sexual violence, regardless of the situation, that asks to be violated, nor did they do anything to call it on themselves.
I used the term first responder above because whomever a survivor chooses to confide in will more than likely be the first person they have told. You will be a first responder, listening to them explain about the trauma they suffered at the hands of an unkind, self-centered, coward. They will share their personal horror stories with you because they want the load off their shoulders, because they want support and because they need someone to LISTEN. They need someone to tell them that being sexually violated doesn’t mean that hope is lost. They need someone to believe their story and remind them they are stronger than they believe, that they are worthy of love and friendship. They need you to tell them that will not forever be trapped in a never ending cycle or pain and suffering.
That they’re nightmares, triggers, flashbacks, insecurities, will not control their lives forever. They need to be reminded that they are beautiful, intelligent and strong. THEY NEED TO BE REMINED THEY ARE A SURVIVOR NOT A VICTIM. They need to be EMPOWERED to move forward being told that they can, that they know what to do. They need to know that there is no rush that recovery is a journey that takes time. They don’t need to be told what to do, neither you nor I can tell them what to do.
We can’t turn a blind eye to all the instances of sexual violence happening in St. Lucia, nor can we continuously blame the survivors of sexually violent crimes. It is easy to sit back and say that she/he should’ve known better and shouldn’t have been walking down that dark road, that they shouldn’t have been drinking, that the dress/skirt/shorts shouldn’t have been so short. We can continue to excuse the RAPIST and CHILD MOLESTER because it means that we don’t have to do anything, that we don’t have to face the harsh realities, that someone we know is capable of committing crimes of this nature.
VICTIM BLAMING doesn’t change the truth of these crimes; a powerless individual chose to violate someone in an attempt to feel powerful. He/She chose to attack the individual walking home, they chose to attack someone who was vulnerable and unable to consent to the act of sexual intercourse, they chose to use one’s attire as an excuse for their crime. But we know differently, dress attire doesn’t cause an act of sexual violence anymore than walking down a road at night or being intoxicated does.
People are violated when they are home, when they are covered from head to toe, when they are sober. Victim Blaming serves two purposes, (1) to tell survivors that no matter what, they will be accused of having done something to have brought this crime upon themselves and (2), to tell perpetrators of sexual violence that they are not culpable for their crimes. Victim blaming reinforces what the abuser told the victim during and after the attack, “You wanted this, You made me do this, No-one will care, No-one will believe you, They will be mad, They will do nothing.
Being a first Responder you have to be very aware of what you say, don’t blame or insinuate in anyway that the survivor is to blame, should forgive/get over it, or should be ashamed and guilty and as such remain silent. Being a first Responder requires (1) CONFIDENTIALITY it’s not your story to share with anyone, (2) LISTENING actively listening to what they are sharing, (3) EMPATHIZING not sympathizing but being able to understand how someone is feeling, (4) BELIEVING not questioning whether their story is true, (5) VALIDATING acknowledging what they are saying and how they are feeling as true, (6) SUPPORTING assisting them through the healing journey, through their initial attack and every step there after, (7) EMPOWERING reminding them of their strength, letting them know they can move on, helping to rebuild their self-confidence, (8) HELPING being there to walk them through their tough days, their good days, effectively being there for them, (9) BEING PATIENT, there is no rush to get them to tell you what they have been through, nor is there any rush for them to get over it, allow them to process and move at their own pace.
We at PROSAF are always here to listen and support you. Feel free to contact us. If you are interested in becoming a sexual assault advocate please contact us for further information. Remember you are not alone. You are strong and brave. You will get through your healing process but it takes time and patience. We are here to help and listen. Feel free to contact us if you ever need a place to offload or vent. We are available for group and individual counselling.